One Vagina’d Deceiver Blind Vice

Remember meeting Dommy-Do-Rightly a couple of weeks ago? The Hollywood wannabe princess who definitely thinks her sh-t don’t stank?

Well, Dommy dearest just doesn’t know how to keep her indiscretions all that quiet. Which, of course, we love.

The TV, and attempted big-screen, queen has been in one fairly high-profile relaysh and is definitely no stranger to the dating scene—despite her youngish age. Well, it turns out she’s much more experienced than any of you would have guessed.

Think you know what we mean?

DDR is a freak in the sheets! Her lap-dancin’, powder-inhalin’ party ways were just the beginning, kids, ’cause we just got sex-smelly wind of a crazyass threesome DDR recently had overseas. After splitting with her boyfriend, Dommy got her skank on during one of her save-the-world efforts. And we’re talking about a totally kinky ménage à trois!

One stud, one gal and Ms. Rightly doing the horizontal mambo all drunken night long! Oh love it, she’s into girls, too—don’t tell Carrie Prejean! (Anything that reeks of being gay sends that bitch over the edge, as you know.)

Seriously, looking at little miss blondie, you would never think she had it in her—we don’t know whether to be impressed or disturbed. Most likely the latter, because despite D’s efforts to the contrary, publicly, Ms. D.-R. just lacks total sex appeal in our very biased minds.

And it ain’t: Anna Paquin, Lauren Conrad, AnnaLynne McCord

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Dear Ted:
I was wondering: If you weren’t the respectful married man you are, which one of your closeted Blind Vices would you prefer to get down and dirty with? Personally, if Dashed Dingle-Dream really is who I think he is (amazing eyes and lips, sexy voice ‘n’ smile, supercool TV show?), I’d die for that guy. But what can a girl do, huh? One thing’s for sure: helluva sexy couple, DDD and Judas Jack-Off. So tell me, Teddy Bear, who would you choose?
—BrGirl

Dear Hypothetical Ho:
Neither. I don’t go for closet cases, not for a long time.

Dear Ted:
All you talk about is Twilight, Robsten, Robert Pattinson. Come on, tell us more about Nevis Devine. I miss him!
—Cibele

Dear Bringing Back Bi:
I’m sure you don’t miss him as much as you think you do.

Dear Ted:
Has Robert Pattinson ever been a victim of your Blind Vice?
—Am

Dearing Damning Det:
Not sure I like your usage of the term “victim.” It’s a damn honor to be a Blind Vicer!

Dear Ted:
I love your site. Can you please tell me if Rob is bisexual?
—NGuyenkim

Dear Rob Lover:
Would that change how you feel about him?

Dear Ted:
Now that the last three episodes of Pushing Daisies are being aired, I was just wondering if Lee Pace has ever been a B.V.?
—Orangmango

Dear Pushing Pace:
Not even close.

Dear Ted:
First, let me say that I love you and your Truth, Lies & Ted segment. I am also a huge fan of your Blind Vice articles, and I am hoping you will give us another hint at who Terry Tush-Trade is. My guess is that TTT is Nikki Reed and the significant other is Sage Dill, who she is always photographed with. Can you please give us loyal readers another hint or two?
—Keishana

Dear Scary Close:
Not Nik, sorry! (Good guess, though)

Dear Ted:
Have you ever assigned more than one Blind Vice moniker to the same person?
—Some Girl

Dear Great Question:
No.

Dear Ted:
What is Fake à la Ferocity up to these days? Is she still using ways other than dieting to stay skinny?
—B Sell

Dear Quick Fix:
Does Suri Cruise have a best-seller in her?

Dear Ted:
I must admit I’m never good at guessing games. So your Blind Vice posts really don’t do much for me—though I love reading ‘em all. But my question is, how do you keep track of all the monikers you use for each one of them? Do you even keep track of them at all? Do you have a ledger/notebook to write down their moniker so they don’t get mixed up? Thanks!
—Pregnant Diva

Dear Overorganized:
Bet you would like to get your hands on our Blind Vice archive then. It does exist. With real names and everything!

Dear Ted:
On an intelligence scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being genius, how would you rate Brad Pitt?
—Whatsnew

Dear Brains or Beauty:
If 1 is genius, then dim-bulb Brad goes to 11 for hooking up with that chilly, fake Angelina. [Ed: Oh! I see what you did there, Teddy...]

Dear Ted:
Is Terry Tush-Trade Justin Chon?
—TLS

Dear Wrong Tush:
Sorry, Triple T is more recognizable than Mr. Chon.

Dear Ted:
I know you can’t be too specific with your descriptions of Toothy Tile, but can you say what his age range is? 20-30, 30-40, over 50?
—Al

Dear Aged Whine:
Nice try. Toothy’s of legal age for everything.

Dear Ted:
What happened to Brain-Fry Noodlestein? Is he getting help? Is that why we haven’t heard from him in a while?
—Mimi

Dear Brain-Bashed:
Not getting help, but has managed to stay level enough to be kept out of the news. Doesn’t mean he’s better tho, not at all.

Dear Ted:
Please stop posting that picture of Carrie Prejean with the weird fake-for-the-cameras smile and spooky, scary stare. It really scares the bejeezus out of me! I know all her antics have been quite public, but I was just curious that if they weren’t, what Blind Vice moniker would you give her?
—Juliet

Dear Rep ‘n’ Ruined:
The possibilities for nicknaming this drag queen are endless. Secretly Sapphic sound good?

Dear Ted:
Has Toothy Tile ever done a movie with Jennifer Aniston?
—Kelly in Bar Harbor

Dear Det. Toothy:
Yes.

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